This used to be me.... but never again.

“There are no atheists in foxholes…. or among hostesses 60 minutes prior to guests’ arrival.” It’s a slight, but accurate tweak to this controversial statement.

However pious or atheistic she may be, in the 60 minute count down before a hostess’s guests arrive, there are any number of religious outcries, Hail Marys, pleadings and deals brokered with God, if he or she will just see fit to let this ill-advised decision – to have friends and family to her home for a meal – not result in her being labelled a failure as cook and hostess.

It’s rather pitiable to stand in your kitchen, bargaining with a deity to please let the meat come out fully cooked, not let the souffle fall, and somehow clean up that mess in the living room while I shower. I’ve been there. I do not intend to turn this post into a theological discussion, but rather to share my secret Holy Trinity of entertaining (and a few helpful reminders) for pleading-free hostessing.

The Holy Trinity of entertaining is thus: Cook, Arrange, Buy – all in (nearly) equal measure.

As a neophyte – and wholly idiotic – hostess I used to dogmatically insist on preparing every article of a meal. On one memorable occasion, I had 15 friends over for a housewarming party in my new Beacon Hill apartment. I prepared a 6 course barbecue in a kitchen with approximately 6 square feet of counter space that had to be hauled up 3 flights of stairs to the roof-deck. I spent 3 days preparing, got little sleep, and was exhausted and frustrated by the time my guests arrived. Not ideal.

In the years that passed, I acquired a modicum of flexibility and learned that simplicity is key. No one minds a store-bought dessert after dining on a homemade specialty; likewise, a simple meal of arranged, but high-quality comestibles is the perfect prelude to a luscious, homemade dessert.

Go easy on yourself and let these guys do some of the heavy lifting.

Depending on the size of the meal, I like to pick 1 or 2 items to cook at home, and scatter the tasks of arranging or buying among the rest of the meal’s components.

For example, a typical weeknight dinner may consist of a selection of cheese and bread/crackers for an appetizer (arrange), Moules Mariniere with crusty bread for dinner (cook), and a store-bought cake for dessert (buy). For a more formal meal, I have served my guests Spare Ribs for dinner (cook), Tomato Basil Salad (arrange) and Corn Bread (buy) as sides, with Peach Pie (cook) for dessert. I rarely cook more than 3 items for any meal, and even then, 1 of those items will be decidedly simple.

Aside from the Holy Trinity, there are a few other hints that will ease the pressure and lessen the odds of a catastrophe:

1. Plan the use of your kitchen in Outlook or iCal. It may seem ridiculous to schedule time with your oven, but it won’t seem so the first time you realize that one item needs to be in there at 300º for an hour, and another item has to be in there at the same time at 425º. In planning for a substantial dinner, I break down the activities according to ‘Prep’, ‘Stove Top’ and ‘Oven.’ Knowing what needs to be done and when will both help you consolidate tasks and help you avoid pitfalls.
2. When the craziness starts to overwhelm you, get out of the kitchen. I routinely save my shower and ‘getting ready’ for the moment when I start to mindlessly pick things up and put them back down again, to no real effect. It may sound like madness to take a break an hour before guests arrive when there is still so much to be done, but you have to give your mind a rest, and, as long as they have a drink in hand and a little something to nibble on, your guests will prefer a calm, sweet-smelling hostess who serves dinner a little late to a punctual, greasy-haired asylum escapee.
3. Be sensible about offers of help. Hostesses typically have enthusiastic offers of help from many guests, but I rarely allow anyone to bring more than wine, except in the case of a well-vetted and trustworthy friend. Imagine profiteroles without vanilla ice cream, should your well-intentioned friend forget, err in judgement, or, regrettably have to cancel at the last minute. As tempting as it may be to offload some of the burden, particularly when the proffers of assistance are so zealous, refrain and save yourself a headache down the road.

The last piece of advice to remember is that Entertaining should be, and will be, fun. Pour an extra glass of champagne, drop a raspberry into it, and enjoy the fantastic meal you’ve just prepared.