Valentine’s Day is almost here, love is in the air, and what better way to suss out the relationship potential with your latest paramour, than by employing the time-tested and proven Bacon & Egg Relationship Barometer.
There is nothing more soothing than a hearty weekend brunch to cure what ails you. Whether it’s stress, the common cold, or an overzealous hangover, a big pile of bacon, steaming and oozing eggs, thick toast, and strong coffee are the quintessential cure-all. That is, unless your morning meal is fraught with relationship-status-speculation, or RSS.
We often refer to the awkwardness of the “morning after” during a couple’s (however liberally you choose to make that assignation) first few nights together, but I prefer to refer to it as the “meal after”, if, for no other reason, than that it’s a bit more accurate.
Not just a brunch staple anymore, that little frying yolk can foretell your romantic future.
Whether alone or with company, I make bacon, eggs, buttered toast, and coffee every Saturday and Sunday morning (unless going out for brunch), and I’ve found that doing so with a new guy provides an eerily accurate barometer of the health of the new relationship. [Note: the test is only proven accurate with Bacon & Eggs and will not give an accurate reading if attempted with cereal, Pop-Tarts, etc.]
The following are a few scenarios that you may encounter should you choose to take the B&E reading on your relationship:
- You make B&E for both of you, only to find that as you devour them, he is pushing them around listlessly on his plate.
Prognosis: Bad Sign – either he’s man-orexic or he’s too busy concocting an escape plan. Neither bodes particularly well for the future.
2. As usual, you get up to make your B&E and find yourself feeling overly burdened by the obligation of cracking 2 extra eggs and dumping a few more pieces of bacon into the frying pan (not to mention, adding two more scoops of coffee to the coffeemaker!).
If adding those 3 extra slices was SO HARD.... he might not be the one for you.
Prognosis: Bad Sign – It was likely the vodka you were so crazy about last night (or for the last two weeks) and not him, if the most meager of tasks make you feel overburdened. Do the polite thing and finish your breakfast together, and then literally and figuratively, show him to the door.
3. You make B&E for the two of you (willingly, if not enthusiastically), sit down and feel relaxed as you munch and chat together over breakfast.
Prognosis: Good Sign (Excellent Sign if he offered to help at any stage) – you will soon be nauseating your friends and strangers as you swiftly exit RSS and embark on the honeymoon phase of blissful dating.
This post was mainly written in jest (though I did encounter all of the aforementioned scenarios, including a few others that were just too odd to mention). The moral of the story, however, is to remember the emotional power that food has – to bind us, to make us feel nurtured, cared for, or, in certain circumstances, smothered. Choose the recipients of your culinary largesse wisely.
I made this the morning V-day. a cleaner cooking tip for bacon (than stovetop) is, layout bacon on some wax paper on a baking sheet, cook at 350 for 15-20min, depending how crispy you like it. The wax paper will suck up a lot of the grease & no crazy splatter on your stove top.
And personally, I’m a scrambled egg fan.
That’s a great idea… my only question is, does bacon in the oven smell as good as on the stove top?
There’s just something about the crackle and hiss and the smell wafting out of the kitchen that makes me so happy.
And, since we’re laying down our personal preferences for eggs, I like mine sunny-side-up, yolky, and with parmesan shaved on top.
Oh yeah…. you still get that beautiful bacon smell and you can hear the faint crackling of bacon.