If you're like me, this sight will bring tears to your eyes.

Have you ever had the feeling that you had a super-power and then lost it? Maybe you were a superb orator, effortless distance runner, or spectacularly limber, and suddenly – WHAM! – with no warning, what once came naturally has you grimacing in effort and frustration.

I am not naturally athletic or gifted in the arts, but, though obscure, my super-power was immensely useful given my passion for cooking. It was the ability to chop onions endlessly and never shed a tear. Odd? Yes. But unusually impressive as a live show. I would be in the kitchen chopping 5 cups of onions with glee while friends were seated in the living room, coughing and rubbing their eyes from the sting. Nobody could understand how I could chop them with such mirth and no aid to reduce the burn.

But suddenly, about 2 weeks ago, my super-power vanished. Without knowing it, my eyes were leaking like sieves, and my face puffed up to twice its normal size when I went to chop one onion. I thought it was just a fluke, but, sure enough, a few nights ago, the same thing happened again.

Really? Yeah, I wouldn't feel at all ridiculous wearing those.

Having become a mere mortal in onion-chopping, I thought it prudent to brush up on tips for chopping them that didn’t induce a crying-fest. There are a variety of tricks and aids, including ski-goggle-esque eye covers, which would effortlessly make its way onto my overly-specific-to-the-point-of-ridiculousness device list.

The following are a list of home cooks’ recommendations, with my personal favorite finishing the list:

1. Store the onion in the refrigerator for 15-30 minutes prior to chopping.
2. Make sure that you are using the sharpest knife possible.
3. Don a pair of onion goggles (which are, amazingly, on back order!) and hide yourself from guests to elude the justified and forthcoming ribbing.
4. Ventilate the kitchen.
5. Light a candle next to the chopping board – I’m no chemist, but, from what I understand, the flame oxidizes the fumes that the onion releases, and this has done the trick for me.

Below are some of the more amusing old wives’ tales/tips for preventing onion-tears:

1. Chop onions under water… Really? I would take a few tears over the mess to be made and hassle of chopping onions under water.
2. Cover your face with Saran Wrap. I’ll admit, MacGyver would probably be proud, but you’d have to feel like a half-wit nearly suffocating yourself with a plastic-wrap-mask to avoid a few tears.
3. Chew a piece of bread. While you won’t look like an idiot, it seems like a rather pathetic defense against noxious fumes. The madness behind this method is that masticating and producing saliva neutralizes the fumes as they waft up towards your eyes. If you’re looking for ‘more bizarre’ and ‘less effective’, this may be the trick for you.
4. Stick out your tongue – the explanation is the same as chewing the bread, but just adds a little absurd twist to the suggestion. It will impress dinner guests that have wandered into the kitchen, that is, until you explain to them that you’re sticking out your tongue to ease the burn from chopping onions as tears pour down your face.

Onions are such a staple of nearly every cuisine and make so many appearances in the kitchen that a few tricks for making them easier to work with is well worth the effort. I have one other onion trick up my sleeve, and that is a method for perfectly (or very nearly) chopped onions that creates no frustration and leaves all digits in tact, which will be featured shortly.